Muddling

I am muddling through right now. I keep choosing to muddle through even though the alternative (at least in my mind) seems so much better. But, as long as I choose to muddle, then it is apparently what I want. Well, I know it's a bit more complicated than that. It's more that I don't want to put the work in it will take to stop the muddling and start the enjoying. The end result is so much better, but the getting there is not. Hard stuff indeed.

I am grateful that I recognize it's going to take work to get through the muddling. At least I'm facing that reality.

In Her Thoughts

My supervisor surprised me yesterday by affirming that she knows I have gotten the raw end of scheduling for some time. And she said we would find a way to get the evenings free I asked for in a couple of weeks. I had already found a supervisor for two nights, so it was really just finding a way to cover the day that is actually supposed to be my day off. She told me how much she appreciates how willing I am to work or only take a partials days off. It really felt good to hear that. I needed that.

I am grateful for the care and thoughts of others, especially when I need to hear it.

You Have Time

When I was working as an extended class teacher several years ago, I was required to take a CPR/First Aid class every year. It was always taught by the same guy. He was quite entertaining, but a bit longwinded mostly because he either got off on stories or he just repeated things several times. But, I still remember how much he stressed one important principal when you find yourself in a position where you need to administer first aid or CPR. And that is, "You have time." I've been trying to keep this in mind as I work on getting leaves raked up, weeds pulled and flower gardens thinned out, trees and bushes trimmed, finances caught up, house cleaning done, and then not feeling overwhelmed with the busy holiday stuff at work. I was kind of bummed when I got out to rake leaves today because it's my one day off and I thought I could get a lot done, but it's really windy and just not working. So, I decided to work on some other things and to remember that I have time. So, I'll let go of what I cannot do and get going on something I can.

I am grateful that I have time.

Itchy in My Skin

I struggle with self-esteem. Shocker! But it's not the kind where I don't think I'm good enough or that I can't do anything well or right. It's the kind where I don't feel comfortable in my skin. And I'm not just talking about body image. It is really hard for me to know how to feel about my accomplishments, regardless of my body. I am always worrying about whether others think I am cocky when I play sports, so much so that I kind of zone myself out and don't look at people because I'm afraid that will confirm this to them (silly, I know). Bottom line--I care what others think more than myself and God and I have struggled and struggled to be free of this. Oh, it is hard! But, good, positive, self-talking is where it's at so...

I am grateful to be me--flaws and all! I am grateful to be a spirit daughter of God.

Sticking to Your Guns/The Right Reasons

Teaching and correction. I find it really difficult some days with my primary class. Today was one of those days. Not horrible, just a bit trying. There are always varying reasons why one day or week may be harder than the next for me. I am always weighing how and why I do things--am I expecting too much, am I really setting boundaries that can be followed, will this truly benefit each person, am I doing it out of fear and others' expectations or because I really believe it's the right thing, and so on. And it's just hard to stick with something (or just to want to stick with something) when you get a negative reaction or a less than ideal outcome (or feeling). But, I know the value of consistency, and so I shall continue to stick with it and simply pray for the best understanding of each class member and also for help to let the spirit guide me in teaching, training, and correcting in the way that is best.

I am grateful for the teaching, training, and correction of my own life that helps me teach, train, and correct those that I have stewardship over.

Small Steps

I have remembered (again) the past few days what a great thing it is to accomplish something through small steps on a regular basis rather than in one big step (which doesn't usually work anyway). So, I've been doing something small each day around the house and trying to focus on how much better it looks because of that one small thing, instead of thinking of how much there is still to do or how much is not done. Much better way to go about things and something that I may be learning for the rest of my life.

I am grateful for perspective reminders that help me take small steps each day.

Frozen

No, not the Madonna song. (I'm not sure I've actually ever heard that song, only heard of it). No... frozen refers to how I felt when a member of the Primary Presidency asked me to stay after church to talk with her. I reacted very much like I did three years ago when I was asked to meet with the school director where I worked. I felt frozen with worry about what I had done this time that warranted being talked to. Can you believe it? I worried that this sister was going to tell me that they decided my class was too big and they needed to divide it, that a parent had mentioned she felt it was better for her two girls (one biological, the other adopted). Then, I thought it was sure to be about our newest class member (only newest because he hadn't come until July) and how his mother expressed that her son didn't feel comfortable in my class, that it wasn't fun enough, and that he didn't want to come. But, then I thought maybe it had to do with our upcoming Primary program. And I recognized very quickly that I was reacting very negatively. I kind of put it from my mind, then, and figured whatever it was, I would deal with it later. And what do you know, it was just a quick meeting to see how I was doing and if I had any concerns or needs as a teacher. Since our Primary President asked me pretty much the same thing last week, I guess I had expected something different or assumed that the two had talked and made a decision about something. But, we just had a fabulous talk and I expressed my delight in being able to teach my class. She thanked me for doing a wonderful job and specifically for teaching boundaries and expectations. She indicated that several teachers struggled with this. Oh, how ironic the whole thing was. And a very ironic blessing too.

I am grateful for ironic blessings :-).

Es regnet (It's Raining)!

Ah....So thankful for the rain. Cools us down, gives me a little break from watering (though unfortunately not mowing), and just changes things up. I love it! So glad we get some today.

Grateful (and always will be) for the rain! My kind of precip.

Pushing Through

I find myself quite tired today. I've been quite tired all week, the result of late nights last weekend working on finances, taking a nap on Sunday (even though I knew it would cause problems), and then not being able to sleep Sunday night. But, what do you do but push through, try to make good use of your time even though you are popping in and out of motivation so quickly that it's as if you never had any. These are the days (the times) when a little doing goes a long way. Gotta hold on to those little successes. And take lots of breaks to get through the day (i.e. a break to write a new blog post--ha!).

I am grateful for little successes on a day like today.

Worth

What a privilege it was to teach my primary class this past Sunday. It's so funny that on the day our bishop (ward/congregation leader) comments that the summer vacations must be in full swing (meaning a lot of people were out of town), I end up with the largest class in several weeks--9, and one came for the very first time this year. I'm not sure how I will fit 11 chairs in our classroom comfortably, but I look forward to the day when all my class members are there. Anyway, I was just so touched and impressed by each class member, from our "newbie" who, though he struggled with the structure, was so enthusiastic about saying prayers, to the two boys who have learned enough discipline that they can now sit together, to the girl who comes so few times (and far between) that she thought we had changed classes for a time, to another member who asked that we pray for this girl's mom who is healing from a leg injury and who also thanked Heavenly Father for me being their teacher and how I teach them. I could go on and on. I just love this class! They have blessed me to remember the worth of each soul and to remember my worth as well.

I am grateful to be taught by children, those who seem to be "old" souls when it comes to undertstanding the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Awkward

You know that awkward feeling you get when there's tension, either between you and someone else or others around you. Ever feel odd because you've had conversations with coworkers about frustrations or nags with other coworkers and yet you see everybody get along regardless, but you are left wondering how you can feel frustrated and upset with a coworker (and vent about it) and still feel good about working well and treating them well the next minute. Am I making sense? I know we get frustrated with each other and I know we talk about things to help work through them, but I still haven't figured out how those feelings work together with the good feelings--or at least not all the time. It's like I need to talk about it, to get it out, but I still need to feel right/good about working with my coworkers and oftentimes I feel guilty after being frustrated when I work with them again. You would think that it's an indication that either I didn't act well in the first place or that my reaction was not good, but I still cannot figure it out for sure. I think some of it is reflected in that desire for perfection, not wanting to look bad in somebody's eyes, always wanting to do the right thing. And when I don't succeed, here comes Satan quickly reminding me of that and creating plenty of confusion and dissatisfaction. I find it very difficult to listen to the right source in these moments. Something to work on.

I am trying to be grateful for these moments that test me, try me, and hopefully help me grow and be better. They are also humbling situations because they remind me that I am not relying on my Savior.

Humility

I found a paragraph about humility while looking in my mom's filing cabinet for some pictures to help with my primary lesson. I really loved it, especially what it says about the connection between humility and confidence. I have struggled with that connection these past few years, especially when I am playing sports because I always think that others will think I am being stuck up and proud. [Aha. There I go again. Focused on what others think instead of what I know to be correct. Such a struggle for me.] So anyway, I thought I'd share this quote. I have no idea where it came from or who said it, but here it is:

"You are being humble when you listen to and learn from someone who can help you. However, true humility must be based upon confidence in one's self. We should feel 'I can do it (self-confidence) if someone shows me how (willingness to learn from others=humility).' Humility does not infer a lack of self dignity."

So grateful when I find little surprises that help me understand a principle better.

One Week In

I'm one week in to my latest effort at exercising and building a better sleep routine/pattern. I finally just decided that if I was going to be working so many closing shifts and not getting home until 10pm that I would go ahead and go running/walking at that time on a daily basis because it certainly couldn't make my sleep pattern any worse. I haven't gotten to where I am actually daily yet. That's okay because I know my body needs to work into that. I need some breaks at this point. It has felt good, but I have a long ways to go before I get to where I once was. That once was was way back in eighth grade. I've even gone back to running at the elementary school where I was running way back then. I had a lot of success with that routine. It really worked for me and I've thought of going back to it off and on. I have attempted it halfheartedly now and then, but this time I decided it needed to be wholehearted. So far, I'm sticking with it and I can feel very small improvements in how I feel and in my ability to run. Now, on to week two.

I'm grateful that I can receive motivation from previous successes. I've done this before, I can do it now. No excuses!

Return and Let Go

I used to teach. I cried buckets of tears when I left. I didn't want to, but I could not see another alternative. Apparently, I haven't cried enough. I returned to my old school yesterday and today (well, my old new school--same school, new building) to watch the annual spring programs. I had been thinking about it for a couple of months, deliberating, wondering why I was thinking of going, afraid that I was going to be interfering again like the last time I stopped by, afraid to face parents, students, and administrators. But, in the end I went anyway. And it was HARD!!! HARD!!! HARD!!! I could tell immediately when I put the protective wall up around me and I couldn't seem to break it down. I was guarded and unsure how to act. But, I saw something in three teachers that I worked with, something that I needed to see--the pure joy of teaching, the pure joy of students. And I came home and had a really good cry/sob session and let out some hurt, hurt that I didn't think still existed.

I am grateful that I can see examples of the joy in teaching that remind me of why I committed to teaching in the first place. I am grateful for the support I have received from parents, former colleagues, and most definitely former students, especially when I struggle so much believing in myself.

Simply Hard

Praying and reading scriptures is not the most daunting task I've ever done in my life. I can read well, I understand reasonably well what I read and have plenty of resources to help me with what I don't understand, and I have no physical ailments to keep me from getting on my knees. It's that simple, and yet, for me right now, it's simply hard because I am once again trying to make prayer and scripture study a daily or double daily (morning and night) habit. But, not just a habit, a necessary part of my life. Until I reach that point where I want to read and pray every day, it is simply hard. I am also trying not to let the thoughts of "it's only until you get out of the habit again" stay with me and discourage me. I do remember (as much as I can) what it feels like to have the blessing and power that comes from having daily and meaningful talks with God and reading His words. I love the truths of His gospel. So, I'm off to make simply hard, simply natural.

I am grateful for the chance to try again, and again, and again.

Faith to Push Forward

My Sunday primary class has doubled in size the past month. The 7-year-old class was split into two classes at the beginning of the year, but the other teacher moved without very little notice and I agreed to take her class until they called a new teacher. Well, after having them for three weeks, I decided I wanted to keep them. The very next week we had the worst lesson of the year--little focus, lots of giggling, making faces, no spirit, you name it. I felt glum. It was my week for playing the organ in sacrament meeting (the main meeting for families on the Sabbath where we take the sacrament and listen to speakers). I play postlude and therefore get to class after the children, so it's always a bit tough making it work, but last week nothing seemed to work. So, I spent all week kind of mulling ideas and worrying. Today, I just had to go for it. I've still got to come up with a plan for the week I play the organ (still deciding), but for now I make sure I get to the room early enough to get chairs set up right and have the first class member stand at the door showing reverance. I'd have the children set up chairs, but I've noticed that with such a big class they struggle doing it on their own. Anyway, I axed the "share one thing you did this week" at the beginning and went right into a song and prayer. We restarted the song several times because I expected one of the boys to give reverent attention and he wasn't. He got the picture quite well. Then, I made sure to involve every class member in telling the stories we shared that showed how Heavenly Father answers our prayers in the best way, which was our lesson. Man, what a difference a week makes. I listened to my own inspiration (which said it would be okay to do away with the sharing part at the beginning) and to some suggestions from my sister. I was delighted to see that the class seemed to desire reverence. They really responded to the spirit.

I am so grateful for inspiration which comes from the Holy Ghost, the scriptures, and others. I am also grateful for the blessing of taking part in the Spirit of our Heavenly Father with my class.

Believing the Yucky Stuff is Good for You

Oh, I do not like having to deal with yucky matters--you know the kind where you have to wade through friction, which might come from others, yourself, or a combination of both. Had that tonight at work. It was a combination of me, another worker, and a customer, and it was just yucky. Didn't like it much at all. Still don't like it much, but I keep reflecting on it and wondering what I can change. That's a good thing. That's why God doesn't always allow things to go just right. Can't get better at anything without being stretched. But, I still feel yucky about it. Though a little less than before.

I'm grateful that I have to face the yucky stuff, that I have to get through it, and hopefully be a little better in the future because of it.

Glad for Today

Today is the Lord's day. And yet, I have learned that when you give this day to the Lord by worshipping Him, what you receive back is more than what you give in worshipping Him in the first place. That is how I feel today. The Lord is giving me what I need. So, yes it is the Sabbath Day, the Lord's day, but in a way it's really my day too.

I am grateful for the Sabbath Day, the Lord's day.

A Friday of Little Things

I am so thankful for my day so far today. Three prayers finally got me to sleep last night and though I didn't get up as early as I had hoped, I got up feeling good and ready to fulfill my commitment to give my all today. Again, little things make all the difference, but sometimes those little things are the hardest to do and to keep doing.

I am grateful for the little things that make big things easier.

In a Rut

So, I am totally in a rut. Reading way too late, finally drifting off to bed at ridiculously late hours, dragging myself up, getting a few things done, getting off to work, making it through work in a bit of a delirious/giddy mode from lack of sleep, then going home and starting all over again. It varies slightly on days when I don't work. But, even though I am enjoying my books (immensely), it's not good for my overall sanity. So, I've just got to learn to say "no" to late-night reading (or watching TV, which was an earlier rut and returns now and again). It may seem weird, but my late-night reading actually feels like a result of the pressure I feel to get everything done at once, right away. You know, the rush of the world. I can't relax and enjoy a book for a week or two, I have to finish it tonight. Ah, patience, patience, my dear...

I am grateful for wonderful books that I look forward to reading, but I am also grateful that I have the choice to make them a part of my life in a good way, not one that finds me tired every day, i.e. I am grateful I have the ability to get out of a rut (with a little help/reminders from above).

Ahhhh...

Feeling well. Like I just had a nice cold glass of milk (skim milk, I'm not a milkfat fan). Or an extremely cold glass of water. In reality I just got back from a walk, a nice long walk. I needed that. It certainly does a body good. And now I am actually cooking lunch. Ha! Miracles do happen!

I am grateful for exercise. I feel better because of it.

A Beautiful Day in the Valley

Yippee! It snowed last night and this morning (and the electricity even went out for a time). I've been so bummed this winter about our lack of snow. It's been cold, to be sure, but the last time I shoveled snow was the third week of January. I think I've only shoveled snow three or four times this winter. Can't complain about that as even I get tired of shoveling, but I still would have liked more. Anyway, I am enjoying the snow today. It will probably melt within a day without me ever needing to shovel. But, for now I will enjoy looking out my window and enjoying this beautiful day in the valley.

I will always be grateful for the snow. It may be cold, it may be a pain to shovel, but it is beautiful and tons of fun to play in (try doing a flip in a pile of snow--my favorite).

Forget Yourself and Go to Work

Ah...President Gordon B. Hinckley. The LDS prophet of my college and young single adult years. (I graduated from young single adults when I turned 31--he, he). I can still remember when he first shared these words that his father wrote to him while he was serving a mission in England and thought that he wasn't doing any good and should therfore go home. And then a song was written about him being constant as the North Star because he talked about that. I loved learning that song along with the primary children (I was pianist). Anyway, I was kind of dreading this day. I worked the morning shift today and I've struggled with my motivation the past few months, then I had my visiting teachers coming (teacher as it turned out), and then after that I went visiting teaching (by myself as it turned out). Not really a stressful day by any means. I've certainly had tougher days to get through physically and mentally, but I just didn't look forward to it. I just felt nagged. But, you know, I forgot myself and went to work this morning. There was lots to do and I got lost in doing it and was cheerful and helpful and by the time it was time to go home, I realized that I had hardly even thought about anything else. That's how it's supposed to be. Get lost in what you're doing and love it! I know sometimes it requires more of a push to get going (and even to keep going), but it's doable. Of course, that prayer this morning got me off on the right track, I'm sure.

I am grateful for the words of truth by a Prophet of God that stay with me and remind me of how I can be.

Renewal

I slept in my bed last night for the first time in I don't know how long. I've been sleeping on a couch in the next room because there is a fireplace and I wanted to keep warm. But, my body needs my bed. This week I have spent enough time on the computer and watching TV that my eyes became very worn out. When that happens I also get very dizzy. Add to that not getting enough sleep and it's a recipe for disaster--which it was. Luckily, I did not work a morning shift today, so I cleared off my bed (another reason I haven't slept in it), pulled up the covers and had a nice long sleep which allowed me to get rid of my headache and help my dizziness dissipate. I have pretty good health. I've had issues here and there, but still it's pretty good. If I say I am grateful for that, then I have to really be grateful by taking care of it. So, I'm renewing my goals again today, but I am going to try and be satisfied with small steps because I simply cannot do big steps right now.

I am grateful for a good night's rest, a head without a headache, and eyes that see straight. I am also grateful that I still have a chance to help my body feel better.

Unexpected Surprise

I used to teach school. Private school. 1st Grade. It's been over two years now since I quit teaching. Well, teaching academically, that is. I still teach Primary each week. The further away I get from it, the harder it is to remember all that went with it--the feelings, hard work, disappointments, fears, laughs. Today, I met a parent and grandparent of two students that I taught. I was thrilled to see both of them. I was thrilled to hear an update of each of the students. I was tickled to hear that I was (maybe still am?) influencial. Ah, it was just good to have such good feelings come from thinking of the good times I had. It's nice to remember. It's especially nice to realize that despite the heartache I felt when I quit, I don't feel that heartache now.

I am grateful when others share their appreciation for what I have done.

January Jitters

Ah...January...the time of year when we make resolutions to really do stuff, or you know, make resolutions to FINALLY do stuff. Either way, I'm trying to not let those nervous jitters get to me (isn't that redundant?). You know the ones...where you want to do so many good things, use your time so well, that you freeze up thinking about all the good things you can do (or should do as I often find myself thinking) and the next thing you know, you didn't do anything. Long ago (many moons ago) I did discover/learn that the Amish are indeed correct...the hurrier you go, the behinder you get, so I need to remember what donned on me several years ago...I can't fix it all, do it all, clean it all, organize it all, in short, accomplish it all in one day, so STOP TRYING and do as President Monson says, "Find Joy in the Journey!"

I am grateful for having some Joy in my Journey this past week. It makes a difference when you read your scriptures.