So Tired I Don't Even Know How Tired

One day this week I woke up and I felt so good mentally. I couldn't believe how good it felt. At the same time I was physically exhausted. I decided that if I could just feel good mentally, I would be okay even if I am physically exhausted. I can make it through a lot of physical exhaustion if I feel mentally with it, but if I struggle mentally, it's all hard.

Today it's hard. I've felt okay mentally, but I am really struggling emotionally. I have gone through an experience at work that was very similar to one I had at my last job and right now I am once again doing what I did badly back then. I am not talking. Well, I've been opening up a bit these past few days. Feeling some constant insanity and recklessness and out of controlness helped coax me along. I finally made a decision. I did do something. Now I need to keep doing something. How do you get out of something that is so bad, but yet is the habit that your body is so used to that it seems like more work to even want to do something different. I'm so tired right now, but I just have hardly any desire to go to sleep. I'm listless. It feels horrible, but I keep at it. This has just got to crack.

Muddling

I am muddling through right now. I keep choosing to muddle through even though the alternative (at least in my mind) seems so much better. But, as long as I choose to muddle, then it is apparently what I want. Well, I know it's a bit more complicated than that. It's more that I don't want to put the work in it will take to stop the muddling and start the enjoying. The end result is so much better, but the getting there is not. Hard stuff indeed.

I am grateful that I recognize it's going to take work to get through the muddling. At least I'm facing that reality.

In Her Thoughts

My supervisor surprised me yesterday by affirming that she knows I have gotten the raw end of scheduling for some time. And she said we would find a way to get the evenings free I asked for in a couple of weeks. I had already found a supervisor for two nights, so it was really just finding a way to cover the day that is actually supposed to be my day off. She told me how much she appreciates how willing I am to work or only take a partials days off. It really felt good to hear that. I needed that.

I am grateful for the care and thoughts of others, especially when I need to hear it.

You Have Time

When I was working as an extended class teacher several years ago, I was required to take a CPR/First Aid class every year. It was always taught by the same guy. He was quite entertaining, but a bit longwinded mostly because he either got off on stories or he just repeated things several times. But, I still remember how much he stressed one important principal when you find yourself in a position where you need to administer first aid or CPR. And that is, "You have time." I've been trying to keep this in mind as I work on getting leaves raked up, weeds pulled and flower gardens thinned out, trees and bushes trimmed, finances caught up, house cleaning done, and then not feeling overwhelmed with the busy holiday stuff at work. I was kind of bummed when I got out to rake leaves today because it's my one day off and I thought I could get a lot done, but it's really windy and just not working. So, I decided to work on some other things and to remember that I have time. So, I'll let go of what I cannot do and get going on something I can.

I am grateful that I have time.

Itchy in My Skin

I struggle with self-esteem. Shocker! But it's not the kind where I don't think I'm good enough or that I can't do anything well or right. It's the kind where I don't feel comfortable in my skin. And I'm not just talking about body image. It is really hard for me to know how to feel about my accomplishments, regardless of my body. I am always worrying about whether others think I am cocky when I play sports, so much so that I kind of zone myself out and don't look at people because I'm afraid that will confirm this to them (silly, I know). Bottom line--I care what others think more than myself and God and I have struggled and struggled to be free of this. Oh, it is hard! But, good, positive, self-talking is where it's at so...

I am grateful to be me--flaws and all! I am grateful to be a spirit daughter of God.

Sticking to Your Guns/The Right Reasons

Teaching and correction. I find it really difficult some days with my primary class. Today was one of those days. Not horrible, just a bit trying. There are always varying reasons why one day or week may be harder than the next for me. I am always weighing how and why I do things--am I expecting too much, am I really setting boundaries that can be followed, will this truly benefit each person, am I doing it out of fear and others' expectations or because I really believe it's the right thing, and so on. And it's just hard to stick with something (or just to want to stick with something) when you get a negative reaction or a less than ideal outcome (or feeling). But, I know the value of consistency, and so I shall continue to stick with it and simply pray for the best understanding of each class member and also for help to let the spirit guide me in teaching, training, and correcting in the way that is best.

I am grateful for the teaching, training, and correction of my own life that helps me teach, train, and correct those that I have stewardship over.

Small Steps

I have remembered (again) the past few days what a great thing it is to accomplish something through small steps on a regular basis rather than in one big step (which doesn't usually work anyway). So, I've been doing something small each day around the house and trying to focus on how much better it looks because of that one small thing, instead of thinking of how much there is still to do or how much is not done. Much better way to go about things and something that I may be learning for the rest of my life.

I am grateful for perspective reminders that help me take small steps each day.